I Am Not An Ironman

Well, the day of reckoning was almost two weeks ago, so I apologize for keeping you waiting for a report.
The race result was what I had been worried about since before I signed up. I did not make the time cutoff for the swim. I needed to swim 2.4 miles in under 2 hours, 20 minutes, and I only made it about 2.2 miles when time ran out.
I thought about writing something about biting off more than I could chew, but the truth is, I came close enough to finishing the swim to know that if I had started seriously working on my swim earlier, and worked harder on it once I started, I could have done it. And I didn't.
When we challenge ourselves, when we set out to do difficult things, we learn about ourselves. Sometimes not everything we learn is good. I told everyone that I would do whatever it took to finish the swim, and I didn't.
I was too cocky early on. I had some fun and impressed a few people with my craziness by running 5 marathon distance or longer races between January 18th and February 15th. But looking back, it was just silly. I had one specific goal I had to achieve, and I wasn't even getting started on it.
Then I went to Diabetes Training Camp with my teammates, but I had the Old Pueblo 50 Mile in the back of my mind the whole time. I should have had more respect for the really important task at hand. I should have been concentrating on what I needed to do to get to the point I could swim 2.4 miles.
I was too stubborn. If I had been working on my swim sooner, I would have realized earlier that I needed someone to teach me how to swim. I was not going to get from splashing across the pool to gliding smoothly through lakes just by reading and watching videos. But I wanted to try to do it myself. This was also cockiness.
I was too lazy and disorganized. Sure I got up at 4 AM lots of mornings to go to the pool, but that's what everyone training for Ironman does. I missed a lot of days, too, sometimes because I didn't prepare well, and sometimes because I was too lazy. When I say I was lazy, I am comparing myself to others who trained for and completed the race, not the general public.
I know no one is going to say it, but I let a lot of people down. I don't think anyone is more disappointed than I am, but all of the people who backed me and supported me expected more from me. I was given so much support from so many sources, I don't think I can list everyone here.
Thank you all so much.
I'm disappointed with my result from race day, but race day was an awesome experience from the sidelines, watching the rest of the team shine.
I'm glad I signed up. I'm glad I challenged myself and set out on this tremendous, life-changing journey. It was well outside my comfort zone.
It's not over.
I'm continuing with my swimming, and I'm buying a bike. I don't know where or when it will happen, but I will meet this Ironman challenge.
Congratulations to all of the Triabetes teammates out there who had a successful race. You guys are awesome!
Please remember that it's people like me that help make people like you look good. :-)

I Believe...

I haven't been blogging much even though a lot has been going on. The thing is, I've been apprehensive about swimming 2.4 miles. And the events that I've been doing generally haven't been very reassuring.
However, on Thursday night I did a Splash & Dash race at Tempe Town Lake, a 1000 meter swim and a 4K run. The swim was not great, but I know I can do better. And I managed the pace I will need to do to complete the Ironman swim within the cutoff time.
The following morning I got up and went to the pool and put in a good workout.
I'm swimming better every time, and feeling more comfortable every time I get in open water and swim in a crowd.
It's not going to be easy, but there's no reason to believe that I can't make the swim. It will take focus and hard work, but I should be able to make it.
I'm still scared, but I'm starting to believe...

DIY

You got to cross that River Jordan,
You got to cross it for yourself;
O there can't nobody cross it for you,
You got to cross it for yourself;

Those words from an old spiritual, sung by slaves on plantations before the Civil War, have profound meaning that can be broadly applied. There is the spiritual, religious meaning, but these spirituals were sometimes used as veiled ways for those held in slavery to sing about seeking freedom. There are many meanings to this song.
Since March of this year, I've consulted six different swim coaches. I have had as many as three different swim coaches writing workout schedules for me at one time. I've read swimming instructions from dozens of books, articles, and websites, and watched several demonstrations on web sites and DVDs. I've almost lost count of how many friends and acquaintances have given me advice.
All of this help has gotten me closer to actually doing a 2.4 mile open water swim in under two hours, which is what I have to do on the morning of November 22, Ironman morning. I'm grateful to everyone who has contributed to getting me this far.
But I haven't done it yet. It all comes down to me swimming. And swimming and swimming and swimming.
No one else can do it for me. I've got to do it for myself. It's a pretty simple idea, but an important one.

David, my Triabuddy

A part of the Triabetes experience which I haven't mentioned much on this blog is the Triabuddies. Triabuddies are kids who inspire those of us training for Ironman, while we try to return the favor.
When we cross the finish line at Ironman, we will each take our Triabuddy with us. This is a way to connect the older generations, like mine, with the younger ones coming up. Facing physical challenges, living adventurously instead of sitting at home in front of a TV, is a concept that applies to everyone who wants to live a healthier life.
My Triabuddy is David Auth, a great kid I unfortunately have not been able to spend enough time with. He lives in Carlsbad, California, and I'm here in Chandler, Arizona. We have exchanged a couple of emails and talked on the phone, but we finally met face to face for a short time last week.
Sue and I were in California helping Sue's father get some of his affairs in order after he moved into an assisted living facility. We made a detour through Carlsbad on our way home.
David and his family, Mom, Dad, two brothers and little sister, had just gotten home from camping. David had the bad luck of finishing his trip by falling on the camp fire and burning his hand, so he kept his hand in a glass of ice water the whole time we talked. He was clearly in pain, but he's tough.
He had already told me in email to "remember to never give up!"
David has never given up in his battle with type 1 diabetes. He's been fighting it since he was 4 years old. There's not much that could be more challenging than that, but to David, it's just part of life.
He enjoys lots of activities besides camping. We talked about how his hand injury might cost him some flag football practice the next day. He also likes soccer, basketball, skateboarding... He says street hockey "is the coolest sport."
David does it all with the enthusiasm of any other kid, but it takes a little more for him than for most other kids. It takes counting carbohydrates in his food, being aware of how much insulin is in his system, testing his blood sugar with frequent finger sticks.
But David says, "It's just what I do."
David does these health-maintenance chores because he knows that managing his blood sugar helps him feel better and keeps him healthy for all of the things he enjoys.

David is looking forward to the three-day sailing and kayaking journey to the Channel Islands he will take with the other Triabuddies. They will enjoy hiking and camping and diving with certified wilderness guides, experienced diabetes mentors, and kids just like themselves. This trip, and participation in the Ironman, aims at teaching these diabetic children not just that they can live normal lives, but that they can do anything.
No stranger to swimming in the ocean and exploring nature, David has been a YMCA Adventure Guide and an Oceanside Junior Lifeguard. He loves the outdoors and hopes to someday have a career which involves being a wildlife expert. A couple of his favorite TV shows are "Survivorman" and "Man vs. Wild."
Please consider helping David reach his fund-raising goal, and Triabetes continue this inspiring program.

David's page:
http://www.firstgiving.com/davidauth

Triabuddies:
http://triabetes.org/triabuddies.php

Triabetes:
http://triabetes.org/

Don't Worry...

With apologies to Bobby McFerrin

Here's a little song I heard
Hope no one minds I changed the words

Don't worry
Be happy

Swimming is easy in your wet suit
A heat wave can make that point moot

Don't worry
Be happy

Tempe Town Lake's not really a sewer
But on a bad day smells like manure

Don't worry
Be happy

Swim coach said keep your head down
Try to remember that while you drown

Don't worry
Be happy

Gotta find a way to swim downhill
Mill bridge to Rural then Rural to Mill

Don't worry
Be happy

You've got two hours to get ashore
Or they won't let you race no more

Don't worry
Be happy

Transition 1 takes extra time
Reconnecting your Paradigm

Don't worry
Be happy

Check your sugar and adjust your plan
And then continue the Ironman

Don't worry
Be happy

The Beeline Highway on windy days
Feels like riding uphill both ways

Don't worry
Be happy

Spend some hours in the aero pose
Weight on your crotch and clipped in toes

Don't worry
Be happy

After three trips out to Fountain Hills
You get to test your running skills

Don't worry
Be happy

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

On his blog, Marcus Grimm responded to this list, and I thought it would be a good way for me to start blogging again, too.


30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 Diabetes

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1974

3. But I had symptoms since: Not sure.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Thinking about my blood sugar all of the time.

5. Most people assume: that "managing the disease" is like having a cure. Insulin is a killer, too. It's bad medicine.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: waking up with a blood sugar that's way off, too high or too low. There's the frustration of trying to figure out what went wrong, but it also can throw your whole schedule off. A high blood sugar will mean that I shouldn't eat breakfast for a while. A low blood sugar will mean that I'll want to eat something right away, even if I was planning a workout.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: an odd thing to ask. I'm not really into medical TV shows. Scrubs was funny. Is it still on?

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: There are different meanings to that phrase "couldn't live without." In the context of chronic diseases, you could take it literally. There's no "gadget" that I couldn't literally live without. Type 1 diabetics were able to survive with regular insulin and glass syringes.
But there are several pieces of technology which will help me live a longer, healthier life, my pump, my CGM, my meter and test strips.

9. The hardest part about nights is: trying to feel safe going to sleep, trying to be sure that your basal and bolusing has been well matched to your activity and food and your blood sugar won't go high or low while you're not awake.

10. Each day I take lots of vitamins, and insulin.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: don't have any.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: depending on how the illness was visible. If it wasn't obnoxious, I'd like people to see the illness.

13. Regarding working and career: most of the time diabetes doesn't matter, but it sucks when it does interfere.

14. People would be surprised to know: how often I'm thinking about my blood sugar.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: (not a new reality) I have to keep explaining it to people.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: run marathons.

17. The commercials about my illness: are not aimed at my demographic.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: not thinking about diabetes, not trying to think like a pancreas.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: orange juice, except as a treatment for lows.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: crossword puzzles. Seriously, I only started doing crossword puzzles to kill time for the couple of weeks in the hospital after my diagnosis. I'm still at it, 35 years later.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: just relax and eat like there was no tomorrow, burgers and fries, steak, Boston cream pie, cheese cake, ...

22. My illness has taught me: I can deal with hardships.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "I couldn't do that." There was also one guy that said, "Yeah, but you just check your blood and take your shots and you're fine, right?" Most people aren't that ignorant.

24. But I love it when people: contribute to my cause.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
"Nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love."

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Don't believe a cure is just around the corner. They've been saying that for decades. Do whatever you can now to keep yourself healthy in spite of the disease.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: I have an extended family of diabetics out there, going through a lot of the same things I'm going through. They're my brothers and sisters of the needle.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: take me to a doctor.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I had a dry spell in my blogging.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Did you read all the way through this? Wow! Thanks! I'm grateful.

Hearts Go Out

More running poetry.

hearts go out
Written 9/26/01
by Jerry "Geronimo" Nairn

I'm like everyone else, but
I'm told my
heart
beats
slow
because I run.
I go out to run before dawn
just to feel my blood flowing
my legs flowing
my body
the sweat
and the beneficial side effects like a
slow
strong
heart
beat
and seeing the sun rise through the mist of a grey September morning
before I wash the sweat from my body in the shower
before I step out and my wife tells me
in very plain, simple words
that something that could
not
happen
has happened.
"...and now both towers have crumbled to the ground."
I run
for the beneficial side effects
like seeing the sun rise through the mist of a grey September morning
before I know thousands of beating hearts were suddenly
crushed into stillness
before, like millions of others
my heart stops
my heart breaks
my heart goes out